on my way home i toss the bottle filled with messages off the back of the ferry to victoria
nuclear apocolypse — the neighbors had a bomb shelter we didn’t no need to worry chimes dad i begin digging dad grabs a pick together we dig until i gave up
dad calls spence at 6am to play chess not 6pm
dark secret — shh “what you see here stays here” edwards Air Force base area 51 29 palmslate 50s early 60s dad’s engineering air conditioning systems for multi story underground cities exclusive for officers only he will not be left behind — humanitarian
edema — ankles the size of tree trunks
hercules — builds our house from the foundation uplifting 4’ x 8’ x 1” sheets of plywood onto one shoulder hammering it in place with his free hand — always building something when he’s not leaning over a drafting table cabinets house boat a-frame cabin truck console sanctuary for me aviary barn another house green house another house another cabin another house
i move dad and his dog from his island home 38 years British columbia — august 2011 he needed my care i adopt taylor
“animals are good citizens”
grand hotel—10 minutes away assisted living roomy studio apartment. six meals a day cruise ship like activities — i use his furniture artwork recreate the home he left
brooklyn tech high school aeronautical course weight lifting clubwater polo class of 1946 honors
dad’s weight is up c h f — congestive heart failure clouds increasing in weight retaining fluids cardiologist dr kaku
usc archimedes circle rocket propulsion engineering civil engineering class of 1952
he got lost i took his car keys i draw dad’s wrinkles while he sleeps — which did i create ?
mathematician 6 of 1 half dozen the other a pint is a pound the world around
we play 21 for ruler of the universe he counts his own cards — loses so I will win
designs and engineers specialty air conditioning systems scientific testing laboratories Northrop las vegas casinos
huge bandage on his head — fell no complaints ever post polio syndrome I buy a walker he wants a space ship
vounteers to man the space station eyes closed designs fuel-less spaceships
memories vanishing clouds mesmerizing looking up searching for memories draw clouds wrinkles with graphite
plays piano guitar concertina his mom played piano in carnegie hall
can’t remember my name eyes tear when i hug him
eyes tear when he hugs me
telepathic bonds fill the void left by words
studies biomedical engineering online monitors the hcv virus i hosted for 40 years — killed in 2016
dad struggles to climb stairs with his walker forgets there’s an elevator
“the bigger picture is made from smaller things — pay attention”
we play 21 for ruler of the universe i count his cards — he wins every hand
Terra — remarries love of his life savior mom
can’t breath c o p d — oxygen tank wheelchair good day bad day i am less sad more sad silence speaks volumes
gives back educator energy management conservation vancouver island university
i mark my awakenings each day thoughts become words on paper
“everything is never the whole thing” “life is not meant to be easy”
proof of life — questioning life — in my journal i begin the new year makeing a room sized evidence boardstrings criss-crossing like wormholes connecting unsequenced events physical proof of time marks we make marks we leave wordless calligraphy why should art be archival everything expires
“a door not meant to be opened is not the same as a wall”
hash marks counting days 31755 — 87 years january 17 2015 too tired to open birthday cards i am too tired to get out of bed
hitchcock movie — ducks fill dads pond packed wing to wing his congregation grew each year buys two 100 pound sacks of bird food each week to feed his ‘persons of aviary persuasion’
i imagine the “game of life” spinner navigates me into the world we sit in the garden eyes closed working on projects
athlete — dad walks across the room on his hands swims one mile during lunch m t w t f plays four wall handball
hospice — legs to heavy to move dark crushing skies i marvel at the complexity within a narrow grayscale i draw clouds wrinkles every chance i get
“give more take less” “buy high sell low”
a caregiver calls him grandpa he blows her a kiss i draw dads wrinkles every chance i get
draws cartoons makes wooden giftboxes handmakes birthday cards
we play 21 for ruler of the universe dad sleeps — i play both our hands
“you can do anything — choose something that gets you up in the morning”
april 14 2015 dad wakes in a great mood wearing a huge smile caregiver takes a selfie with him
breakfast — nap — lunch — nap
“here’s to tomorrow whether we’re invited or not“ tepper saffren [grandson]
i rest my head on his warm body as it turns cold clouds overhead are not childlike icloud icons the covers on my bed are too heavy to lift — i runaway from home
“throw my ashes off the back of the ferry”
i treasure the materiality of dad’s ashes — heavier than expected i make small urns for my siblings mix ashes with cement pour it into a large bottle family friends caregivers write notes label — hello friend i am traveling the ocean after i have passed away please toss me back into my beloved waters
eternally yours
i engineer paper boats to carry dadrun experiments tensile strength tests buoyancy water seepage flammability reliability in a swimming pool paper specs : 30” x 30” cotton rag somerset 300gsm saturate with melted beeswax fold each square into a vessel insert wicks at bow and stern our family of seven fly drive ferry to salt spring island
dad has many good friends
we set sail into the pacific ocean from ganges marina the sun kisses the endless horizon clouds filtering golden pink violet light we scoop dads ashes into the candle boats lower them into the open waters light wicks flames and wind bury dad at the edge of the earth
forever my muse